Over here at Lemon Baby, we take candy seriously. Perhaps too seriously? Nah–no such thing. Let’s face it, Halloween is ALL. ABOUT. THE. CANDY. Costumes are cool, sure. But what would trick ‘or’ treating be without the sugar coma? I shudder to think. And when it comes to Halloween candy, there are the standout stars and the lame losers. Here’s Lemon Baby‘s Ultimate Guide to Halloween Candy Rankings.
So when I’m “enacting” my Mom Tax (aka selecting a third of my son and daughter’s haul after they’ve passed out in sugary bliss on All Hallow’s Eve), these are the ones I’m taking and leaving.
Top 10 Halloween Candy
1. Reese’s Peanut Butter Cups
Coming in number one in Halloween candy rankings is a classic for a reason. You really can’t improve upon milk chocolate and peanut butter (although THANK YOU Reese’s for coming out with the dark variety), and no one should try, but we award bonus points for festive shapes like bats and pumpkins. And the ones stuffed with Reeses’ Pieces because those are LEGIT. Please, white chocolate imposter ghosts need not apply, as ye assuredly will appear on the loser list.
2. Three Musketeers
So this one might be a sleeper hit, but I stand by it. I have absolutely zero idea how one makes nougat, but it’s the nectar of the Halloween spirits, and I dig it. Fluffy, vaguely chocolatey, and totally nostalgic.
3. Swedish Fish
Another unexpected top contender for Halloween candy rankings, but I feel compelled to specify only the mini, all-red package. Some candies just weren’t meant to be multi-flavored. Swedish Fish were invented in the 1950’s, and in true American style, they’re marketed as a fat free food, which removes the guilt entirely, natch?
Anyone who doesn’t think Whoppers are king can fight me. To prove my point, they were first sold in America by the king of American chocolate, Hershey’s, in 1949, but were first created ten years before under the name Giants. Bonus points for giving out their snooty UK cousins, Maltesers, not that anyone in the U.S. actually does that, but a gal can dream, right? Maltesers were actually were invented first, sorry, but we won the American Revolution, so there’s that.
Due to its insanely sticky texture, toffee is a dentist’s dream (or second vacation house, rather), but I love it. It may pull out a filling or two, but it’s so worth it. Heath Bars are a classic, but a full-size SKOR bar is a serious score. See what I did there?
6. Candy Corn/Mallow Pumpkins
Yeah, yeah, yeah. I know ya’ll hate it. I don’t care. It’s awesome, and I can smell a bowl of candy corn about a hundred feet away. I’m like one of those truffle hunting pigs, but for these kinda waxy, so-sweet-they-make-me-a-little-dizzy Halloween classics, obvi.
7. Milky Way
Caramel, check. Chocolate, check. Aforementioned nougat, check. The gang’s all here. Oh, and if my kids are lucky enough to snag a Midnight bar? *cackling with glee*
8. 100 Grand
Unlike in a Nestle Grand, the crispy rice in a 100 Grand bar just works. I can’t say that I’d pay $100,000 for it, but gooey caramel, milk chocolate, and rice crispies are all good in my book.
My husband’s favorite, this unique candy bar has earned a spot on the top ten list. Sure, it’s tooth-achingly sweet and always a little messy, but I just can’t say no to those golden shards of goodness. If you’re a Butterfinger fan, make sure you check out honeycomb, its U.K. relative across the pond.
10. Sour Patch Kids
Sure, the citric acid takes off the top two layers of your tastebuds if you can’t control your portions, but there’s something to be said for such a savage candy. It’s the Joan Rivers of Halloween candy.
The Worst Halloween Candy Offenders
My kids can have these–you won’t catch me within five feet of ’em.
10. Peanut M&Ms
This is definitely an unpopular opinion, but have you ever smelled your own breath after eating a “fun size” packet of these things? There’s nothing fun about dragon breath, especially if you’re stuck nearly passing out from it wafting from the person next to you.
9. Laffy Taffy
I don’t even care that there are other flavors–this candy is a banana flavored abomination. It’s also nearly impossible to chew. Shame on you, Wonka. You’re way better than this.
Oy with the peanuts, already! By now you’ve probably figured out that while I love peanut butter, I don’t love actual peanuts. Yes, I know that’s weird. More for you and all that nonsense.
7. Tootsie Fruit Chews
This company jumped the shark after Tootsie Roll Pops, which are awesome. Quit while you’re ahead. If something can be molded to resemble a cat turd, imma skip it.
6. Hot Tamales or Red Hots
Hot Tamales and Red Hots, go back to the Inferno from whence you assuredly came. Seriously–what is with hot cinnamon flavored anything? Last time I checked, chugging a bottle of Tabasco simple syrup wasn’t on my bucket list.
5. Good & Plenty
They resemble suppositories (plus licorice, ew). Enough said. Throw in Mike and Ike for the same reason.
4. Milk Duds
Lost four loose teeth of this worst Halloween candy ranking contender while eating these as a kid at a movie. Can’t even see the telltale yellow box without tasting the slight iron tang of blood. Next.
Candy coated concrete, as a friend remarked. Who actually eats them?
Dots? Even their name is bad. They’re unbelievably hard and tasteless gum drops without the ever-so-slightly redeeming sugar coating. Drop it like it’s hot. ‘Cause it’s not.
1. Necco Wafers
If Rolaids and sidewalk chalk had a baby, it would be a Necco wafer. The absolutely worst Halloween candy ranking award goes to that ancient cylinder of powdered disappointment. Looks like a roll of quarters and tastes like it, too.
Well, there you have it: the Ultimate Halloween Candy Rankings, according to yours truly. Now it’s your turn. Have I nailed it or missed the mark? Let me have it in the comments!